An open letter to the ones asking me to "Open Up"

Hey there, I hope you have a great day! 

I'd honestly like to apologize for not being "available emotionally" and not being honest with how I feel. There is nothing one could say or do to make me open up my heart like a jar of candy or Nutella and spill everything out. It's tough for me. I know you are concerned and might even worried about how I have been taking things for a while but honestly, it has nothing to do with you. Like a classic clichè line ever said, "It's not you, it's me." 

I like to sit with my coffee or my thoughts alone and either read a book, scroll Instagram, or just sit and breathe. That's the kind of thing that I enjoy but alone. Talking about things or feelings just makes me even more anxious because I am never sure how the person I am opening up to will react to it. The thing I speak about surely means a lot to me but it doesn't mean the same to you and you react like it's not a big deal, I slip into an over-thinking and highly sad mode. Introverts are labeled as arrogant and rude. I am both of these and neither of these depending upon how you treat me. If you keep poking me, you'll hear back from me in a very rude comment but if you give me time, I'll be the sweetest. 

The reason behind me not opening up is simply the fact that I have a hard time talking to people in person and when I get to know them, I feel like they are constantly judging me for making choices that make me happy and them sad. There is no possible way to describe why an introvert is an introvert! If you do, let me know too! 

If I know you and still haven't opened up to you that means I don't feel comfortable sharing my things with you which is again a flaw that I have. I like to keep things to myself and just like right now write them down and express; this is me opening up. I am emotionally drained at the current point of time and I have nothing else to offer other than my sarcasm which I think you might not be interested in.
You can't keep disconnecting the conversations in the middle and expect me to open up about how I feel. I feel that disconnecting a conversation without giving a head ups puts me and my mind into an autopilot mode where all I am is rude and arrogant. So if you want me to be your friend, STOP DISCONNECTING THE CONVERSATIONS WITHOUT GIVING A HEADS UP! 

There is another flaw that I have which is the fact that I am all in for talking but that talk has to mean something to me. I have never invested my time in topics or talk which have nothing to do with me. If you like me, I want to know why and when was the exact moment you felt like you like me. I want to know how you feel about the sky changing colors from blue and white to orange and pink. I want to know how you feel about a song I sent you or a song you sent me. I want to how you feel when you read my writing. I want to know how you felt when you had your first heartbroken or something special was taken away from you! If you aren't ready for all of this then I can't open up to you because I can't. 

I have opened up to many people in my life and all of them have used my feelings and "opening up" about my emotional side to either point fingers at me or just to make fun of. That is not cool. I have been hurt, broken and sad before, and forgive me for the fact that my mind and heart are not ready for being sad again. My feelings have meant nothing to them but a joke and I am not ready to let my guard down again! I am sorry but if you want to break down the walls I have built up, you have to be patient and calm.