He Was Never Mine 🥀

I have this constant fear that I might never forget him. The way his brown eyes pierced through mine, I can never forget the chills that ran through my spine or when his smile made my heart beat ten times faster or when he says my name my body goes weak. And what sucks is he was never mine to begin with. I was just a girl in his friend list but he was the only friend I kept looking for. I was just a person he talks to when his friends were busy but he was the only person I wanted to talk to. I was hopelessly in love with him and it’s been five years and I still can’t forget him. And there are nights where every thing is quiet, silent and dark and his memory hits me. Even if I try to push his memory away he finds his way into my mind and I stay awake thinking about how life would be if we were together and tear drops from my eyes because that scenario feels perfect and real. But this thought sickens me and my stomach churns to the point where I cannot breathe because I don’t want to love him anymore. This feeling sucks because I thought I was getting over him and finally being happy but his memories keeps bugging me and keeps crawling inside my head. I sit awake and cry to myself at nights that why am I even doing this? What is the point of this? Does he deserve this much of love? But his one thought changes me. I love the way his name feels from my lips. I love the way my face lits up when I think of him. But this has to stop. I have to stop loving him. Because I know he’s not thinking of me and even if he he’ll never call or text. I have to forget him because this has been too much of pain. I am tired of feeling this way. To make things happen between us when I know it won’t because sometimes when you wish for something and it doesn’t happen, it’s for the good *ehfar*. You eventually move on and stop hurting yourself because you’re more than that. I had to take a step back and get all the way real with my life you know because fixing “US” was never the option fixing “myself” was. I have to let you go. 

But letting you go wasn’t as easy as I thought. 

There are nights when I think about how life would be with you beside me. Thinking about the fact that does my absence mean anything to you? Are you awake just like me and thinking that is she missing me too? Do you ever dial my number and disconnect it because you cannot talk? Did you ever love me? You told me that I made you a better person and I made a huge difference to your life but honestly, this angers me. I spent so much of time being unloved and unappreciated by you and I wish you fucking told me what I meant to you when what I meant to you mattered. I hope you have a happy life and we cross each other’s path because I still care about you and I’ll still be here. I don’t regret you but sometimes I wish I had walked away and left things at hello. You were the only person I loved and will love so deeply but I failed to make you love me. You’ll always be mine in the back of my mind, you’ll be the first thing I’ll look for in my next time. 

I love you.